We are The "Twitter Birds"

So the last few weeks have been quite revealing in the sense that I have figured out who is behind some masked idiots on twitter.
EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OPINION and I say that quite loudly as for some reason people forget that you believe this by reiterating this phrase in counter arguments which is irrelevant to my main point.

However,  my argument is this. If you are going to have an opinion then fair enough, express it as you will, but  hurling insults, tweeting their co workers and colleagues (whom you do not know) about your feelings of an individual, and messaging one of their clients in regards to your hate IS NOT AN OPINION.

I make these points on the grounds of a recent case I witnessed on twitter were a friend of mine was a victim of the above. The real reason behind these insults are still unknown although the tweeter claims they did it because my friend was taking the band in a direction that the tweeter (she ) did not approve. This direction being a positive one if any. My friend works in an industry that demands you to take opportunities when you can.  A high position in the entertainment industry automatically gives you contacts that may hold a greater influence in getting better gigs for the band you are in. So why on earth would you not take the opportunity to work with big names? If music is what you love and in this case, nobody is asking them to change anything, why is that wrong?

Working in a band myself I know that when an amazing opportunity is offered then we want to take it with both hands as it is a step closer to doing what you love full time.
Who is anyone to deny you or insult you for wanting to do this.

So to you @CandyBird I say this.

1. Yes he may have a better grip on getting the band on a tv show because of his job but why are you so bothered?
2. Why have you included his work contacts on the tweets? Was it because you hoped they would reply and in turn you would gain more followers?
3. Hiding behind a twitter account to insult someone is a cowardly act. Grow some balls and say who you are.
4. Last year you became friends on twitter with those in discussion here today, and it was only this year you decide to insult and express hatred. This is not a question I am just pointing out how weird this is.

Reply please as I would love to understand how you find personal insults to be part of "an adult conversation" as you so righteously stated to me.

The Band Police!

There are also a few other profiles on twitter who abuse bands by going the extra mile to fuel rage within the content of tweets. Sometimes this can be funny reading, but between the lines, you can see that these tweeters are insecure musicians who feel their career may not be going as well as they thought it would. The @band_police is the main account Liverpool bands were discussing this summer. Insults on cover bands, the famous, the shite, the good, the accomplished and even themselves. Alot of banter was created and became quite heated with some bands blocking the profile for life. It would be interesting to see them back tweeting as I love opinionated gits like myself. Although I don't hide my I.D...

Does anyone have any idea as to who they think they are?

Through getting MY ' Jessica Fletcher ' on, I am 99% sure who I know who these jockeys are. Jog on boys, you are not fooling anyone by 'dissin' your own band with the account.

FACE TO FACE IDIOTS!

Criticism is always hard to take on the chin unless it's something you always knew needed to be improved. It is even harder to stay professional when it is given to you face to face and especially when it is by someone who is talking through their glory hole.
If you are going to offer any advice to musicians please ensure there is an actual qualifiable knowledge base of that subject in your brain before you open your mouth.
Here is a countdown of example "criticisms" that I have heard and that have pissed me off over the years.

Just because you have worked as a Kareoke DJ for 3 years does not qualify you in telling me my Shure mic is not suitable for a live band performance before we have even set up!

Coming up to me in the middle of a performance and informing me my voice does not have enough "bass" on it is not my problem. Try speaking to the guy on the sound desk you goon!

Coming up to us after the performance has finished is pointless. Including informing us what you "would have used instead"  The performance has finished, the soundman works the sound. Work it out!!

Don't tell me you didn't like the way we did a certain song because you just "didn't get it" ---- What do you mean? Ellaborate please...... If you don't like our version then don't listen to it. Easy!  Why tell me this. We do things how we do things because it's the way we wanted to do it! We are not changing it because you have come up to me and said "ooo I dont like it" Froob!

Don't tell us our guitars are too loud when they are only on the 3rd level - especially when you are the apparent "Soundguy", Compare,  DJ, Security guard and bar manager rolled into one!

Telling us to hire you as a personal sound engineer because you 'used to do it' and the venues sound engineer we had that evening made our guitars give out too much treble is not going to get you the job dweeb !!

I could go on but my main point is this.

EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION,  IT DOESNT FUCKING MEAN YOU ARE RIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO EXPRESS IT.

I am John Lennon

Hello, it has been a few weeks since I last posted but the break was required in order to whittle down the subject of my next blog. I have decided to talk about cover artists who take on their tribute to a whole new level. I call this the 'John Lennon Complex'. In my opinion a great tribute artist sounds and has similar looks to the artist they are portraying, On stage.(looks are not everything to me, it just helps to add to the experience)

 There has been a rise over the years of tributes taking the character off stage to the point were they walk around Tesco in full on stage mode. Most recently it was a local Meat Loaf act. Singing to the top of what was left of his smoke damaged vocal chords whilst throwing a packet of fucking no frills burgers into his trolley and in full costume!! I have never been so tempted to push someone into the freezers but I knew ( I actually calculated in my head) "Body mass vs Freezer space over pregnant woman hormone force" would not work for me nor the trolley I was going to use to shove him in.


 More often than none these knob jockeys believe that they are the actual artist and/or carry their spirit within them. I am open for anyone reading this, who believes they fit the above description, to put forward their argument as to why they feel this way and do these things. You are a tribute act.....get over the fact you are not that person and stop talking down to other artists because you believe you are greater than them!

A few questions I would like to ask out of genuine curiosity:

1. Why do you keep a fake accent and use it off stage to talk to people? (Normally when this happens the accent is terrible)
2. Why do you walk around off stage, in town, doing your shopping, get married etc in your full tribute gear?
3. On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your performance as a tribute act? and what factors is this opinion based on?
4. If you believe you carry the spirit of the real artist inside of you, how the fuck have you come to this conclusion? 
5. If you carry the Spirit of Lennon when you sing, why do you still sound like an average tribute trying to impersonate Cilla Black? Why do you continue to act like this off stage?
6. Do you realize people think you are a tool?
7. Why have you had surgery in order to try and look like the artist when, in fact its made you look more like you may have had some sort of viral attack on your nervous system?

One band I met a few years ago at Beatle Week hail from Argentina, and although they were good musically as a band, their presence off stage made me feel very uncomfortable. Not only were they very tanned but the Paul thought he was really Paul and had undergone surgery to raise his eyebrow line and to create a rounder looking eye.

The John had undergone nose surgery, The George walked around with a quivering lip and The Ringo, well, the photo says it all but he was a nice guy to talk to. They spoke with fake scouse accents, even though their English was very broken, and tried to pull any girl that shown the slightest bit of interest.On days they did not gig, they still walked around fully suited, booted and wigged up throwing out quotes from 'Help' and 'A Hard Days Night'.  "Want to let everyone know you're in a Beatle Band do you?" Your talent will speak on stage you idiots!

Surgery and 'role playing' can maybe be forgiven, but the true belief that you carry the soul of Lennon is another thing all together. Yes, there are people who truly believe they are doing what they do because Lennon has selected them to carry out what he could not continue.....

For a start if Lennon decided to stick close by to anybody it would be his loved ones and not some tribute act who has never had any impact on his life whatsoever. 

I implore anyone with these beliefs in themselves to come forward and speak to me. Give me an insight into why the fuck you think you are, and I quote, "The chosen" one. 

In addition to all the above, must come a feeling of " I am irresistible to all because I am the real deal"

Er no, you are fucking not you TWAT. Call me harsh but do not think that because you 'play' a famous person on stage (and or off stage for the tribute extremists ) that all women find you attractive. To some, it maybe a turn on due to it being the closest to the real thing they are ever going to get personal with. But not all and certainly not me. 

A few words of advice:

• Leave your wig, suits and boots in the dressing room after you have left the performance area.
• Do not tell anyone you are/have been/ felt the presence, of John Lennon. You will regarded a twat. 
• Do not assume you look like or sound like an artist just because 1 person said it might be a good idea to become their tribute.
• Do not get a 'Gods Gift' complex when you do start gigging. Things like this are easy to spot and make you look even more like a twat. 
• If you get surgery, go to the best one around and only get it if you already really do look like the artist you impersonate. You could end up looking like some of these examples......

The Kim Kardashian 

The Michael Jackson

The Jessica Rabbit

The Super Man

I invite your thoughts........

He looked at me! He MUST love me!

So in my last blog I discussed my dislike for "over friendly" stalkers for the band I am in. This then revoked my hatred for other bands stalkers/groupies/weirdos.  I am pretty sure most of you will click on about who and which musicians I am discussing, so I have given appropriate aliases to the subjects.

Firstly I would like to talk to you about the groupies/girlfriend wannabes that these male bands attract. In more cases than none, they show clear disturbing behavior, have terrible dress sense and tend to hang around by themselves.

One girl in particular who has seemed to have disappeared off the scene, (for blog purposes I will call her Purple) was very fond of attending the worlds famous club at one stage and in particular one of the resident bands, The Rattles (again for blog purposes). Purple would sit on the step, in the arch at the side of the stage, sour faced and staring intently at the band as they play. Looking for eye contact and smiling whenever one of the musicians accidentally looked her way. "He sings this for me and only me" she thinks. Well there are a couple of things there right away love. 

1. No he doesn't. 
2. He sings it because he is paid to do so.
3. They are not his lyrics as the song is a cover and so it was not written for you.
4. It is played due to being a popular song from the sixties you freak!
5. This list is not exhaustive.

The first time I met Purple, I was back stage at the worlds most famous club, where she was awaiting The Rattles to finish their performance. She never introduced herself as any normal minded person would, in fact she sat on the sofa, laid back and raised her legs. She then opened them very widely and boldly screached "I am waiting for The Rattles to come off so I can do this for them hahahahahaha.....". 

I really didn't know what to say and so did not respond other choke. I think I did actually swallow my tongue at that point as there was some dangerous camel toe happening and it was very sweaty in the club. Not a great combo. 
The 5 minutes it took for someone else to come in the room felt like the longest 5 minutes of my life. She casually informed me she was addicted to beta blockers and takes them for recreational purposes. She can speak fluent Spanish but only to her Brazilian lover from a Brazilian Beatle Band who is leaving his wife for her?. (I did not want to question the obvious here). She had also gained her SIA licence to work at the newly built Echo arena so she can get closer to the artists performing, in particular, Macca himself who she was good friends with. 
Her ass hole must of been jealous of the amount of shit that was pouring out of her mouth!

Since meeting her I then discovered Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr both have injunctions against her. Surprise fucking surprise!

Where she disappeared to Ill never know but hopefully she grew up and realized how much of a tool she was.

I see women like this all the time, not only do they want to listen to the music but in more recent years they want more and have become jealous of people that do not belong to them. Here are some of the strangest examples I have witnessed.

• Attending a band members family party, based on the fact they asked "Am I invited" to the musicians girlfriend (sympathy invite approach) and them being too polite to say no. Then arriving at the venue and getting upset because nobody was talking to them and trying to get people to feel sorry for her by actively approaching the other band members whilst they were busy with their families and saying " I feel left out I think I will go"  Nobody knew who you were nor were you particularly close to anyone so what were the chances of you actually feeling part of the family in the first place?

                               

• Gaining trust of band members and preying on their vulnerabilities when they know family/work life may not be at its best, offering a shoulder to cry on and advising them to share their concerns. Then they show the emails to people who never asked to see them so they can brag how close they are to this musician and how it must mean something! It means you have befriended them in order to make it look like something is going on emotionally when actually it is not. You Frube!!                    

                                      

I also received an email recently about an incident at the worlds most favorite club involving one of these 'groupies' from a visitor who was disgusted by their behavior. This email was sent to many others and I was one of the recipients. I have removed/ replaced names. 

Here it is!

Hi "Lollipops",

In December 2010 I went to Liverpool on my own nickel, paid for all the lodgings, food, travel, everything.  I gave free performances in London and in Liverpool. All this I did out of my heart commitment to keeping John Lennon's spirit alive. 

After the Lennon Remembrance, the night of December 9, I was invited over to The Cavern, where "The Jersey Meatles" were playing.  They invited me to the stage to sing IN MY LIFE, to which the crowd went insane with enthusiasm. 

At the end, when the band was looking for someone to come to the stage, their Lennon was looking right at me, so I made my way to the side entrance to join in with another number.  I had suggested A DAY IN THE LIFE, and they were about to play it.

A large person stood facing the stage, blocking the side steps. As I neared the stage, smiling innocently, she suddenly slammed me with her elbow in my ribs and snarled, "Get out of here!" 

This was "Fobble Gobble". I'd never had any previous contact with her. Had never heard of her.

I was so shocked, I just stood there. By the time I recovered from the hit, the band had already started the song. So I stood back and listened as they went on without me. 

This woman assaulted me, a total stranger, What the... ?!

Perhaps you must; but are you sure you wish to deal with a person of this ilk?

I know I would avoid future gigs if she were there again. 

Wishing you safety and peace,

"Tomato"

 Who wants to go to a gig where you feel unwelcome and cannot even think about moving to the front of the stage in case you get attacked? This behavior is not acceptable. Its not your spot at the front of the stage, you do not own it and never will. You do not have the right over anyone else to be there!   I really wish I could slap anyone with these ideas in their heads with a giant fucking hand! 

This caliber of creature definitely exceeds any 'Sticky Palmed Blert I have to deal with.

To finish with I am going to clear up any questions /queries/mysteries/theories/ lies these idiots like to conjure up. I may reiterate some previously mentioned examples but I really do not think it will help them on their road to recovery.

1. "Do you think because he looked at me when singing "In My Life" that he has feelings for me? He looked embarrassed when he noticed I had seen him looking "

No! You stupid cunt. A few points here to be clear about. The lights are that bright on stage that the artist cannot possibly look straight ahead at all times. Most of the time they cannot see anyone who is watching other than if you were at the front. The probability is you were at the front and so you have caught the musician having a general look around to give his eyes a rest. The look you have deemed embarrassing is more awkwardness as he knows how doolally you are and does not want you to think anything like you already are!

2 ."Will he think it is too much if I..." " Will I come across as weird if I..."

I will stop you there, Yes is the answer you are looking for. If you even have to question whether anything will be too much or weird then it will be!

3. "I have found out he is having a family outing/party and I have not been invited. Should I hint and or try and ask for one?"

Fuck No! You pathetic loser! If they wanted you to be there they will send you an invite accordingly. If you guilt someone into inviting you they still wont acknowledge you as a true acquaintance and will regret going through with it. Attending this event will not improve how much this person likes you no matter how much you get on with family/friends. It makes you look even more like you require the lethal injection. Friendships occur naturally, no amount of intellectual schemes can be applied in order for a good relationship to blossom.

4. " I go to see the band all the time so that is my seat at the front!"

If you have not reserved it, no it fucking isn't!

5. " I 'accidentally' walked in on them whilst they were getting changed and they all blushed. They must fancy me"

NO they do not, they were red in face because they were holding back the anger of punching you in the face because you felt you had a right to come into the dressing room anyway. Nobody has the right to be in the dressing room other than the musicians themselves 

Sometime I sit back and think 'Shouldn't I be paying to see people like you in a parade or something?!' 

The list of these questions are endless and the above examples collated from a number of fuck wits I have had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting over the years. 

 It is not a personal attack on any of the normal fans of bands who partake in harmless fan fun such as getting t shirts made, travelling to see the bands, starting a fan page etc as I do this myself. It is merely me expressing my angry opinion about those individuals who see the band/artist as theirs and how nobody has the right to like them as much they do. 

It's women like these that do not help with female music/band enthusiasts being stereotyped as home wreckers! The amount of hostility you can receive from a WAG is unreal sometimes and its no wonder. 

To help you if you have never experienced one of these people, here are the clear signs you are dealing with a disturbed fan. 

• They usually sit at the front of the stage intently and eyeball anyone who comes near their space such as dancers and other females as they do generally give off the impression they own the joint (even though it is a dance floor they have decided to place themselves onto)
• If you know a band member and talk to them before/after gig, the warped mind of the stalker will be too curious not to know who you are (even though it is none of their business) and will either approach you or find out from a mutual acquaintance. They will shortly approach you.
• Once they have introduced themselves they will ask you how you know the band/how long for (they will already have this information) and if you have known them longer or on a more personal level - a friend request will follow on facebook and you will be asked about the bands personal lives/preferences. Followed again by a 'meet up for coffee/tea' request
• If you have not known the band longer or not on a close level, they will not associate with you as they don't feel they could gain any extra Intel on the band and will therefore actively ignore your presence in the future. 
• When they do speak to you they claim to be 'close' to the band  (if you were close you would not have to state this, especially to someone you have just met.) unless they have insulted them. 
• They usually require the fashion police
• They are usually by them self or with someone as equally bonkers.
• Again this list is not exhaustive

I hope my hormones have not offended the wrong people. If I talk to you face to face or on facebook then this is not about you. 

Peace and Love

Rant Over !

(for now)

Stalk Wars

 I am a female musician, I am in a rock band, with a bunch of fit females. We get to travel the world, play music, drink champagne and beer, meet great people and meet a few odd balls along the way.  If we were male, we would have good looking young girls eating out of our hands, who would then become known as our 'groupies' or 'hangers on'. They would provide us with sexual gifts in exchange for VIP entrance to gigs and the attention from the performer during an after show party.

 Through experience of working in the industry for over 10 years, I have witnessed these goings on. Whether the males in question were in a relationship or not, they would allow the girls to be all over them, lapping up the attention like they were actually the 'Gods of Rock'. If things go further then its the case of "What happens at the gig stays at the gig" Unless the groupie gave him a bout of crabs. 

 When I began my own musical band adventure, I thought there would have been a bit more of a similar experience to be had with the male groupie, but this was not the case. It is certainly not the reason why I started the band, but I kind of expected to get involved in similar goings due to it being part of the territory of  'The Musician'. 

The first all girl rock band in a while hit the scene, and although male musicians showed us some attention, this was purely of the platonic and of the professional kind. Giving us hints, tips, advice, treating us like one of the lads whilst also acknowledging our musical talent. We did not get groupies. In fact, we were eyeballed very 'greenly' by the birds waiting for their men to appear on stage just because we shared a dressing room.  "Yes we can talk to your boyfriend without it meaning something sexual you stupid bint" and " I am sorry that you know deep inside you are not the only girl he is bonking, but it is certainly not me so do not look at me like you have a set of anal beads up your arse that were far bigger than you thought they would be!!"

So we start playing across the city and gain a bit of a reputation (4 young burds on stage with guitars, lol, lets see how they do.) We shocked people, we are good and got better, we compete very greatly with established bands. It may have taken us a few years to get the right line up, tightness and rapport, but we are there now. Yet the groupies have not appeared. (too old to care now to be honest but it would be nice to have someone carry the gear)

However, I take a groupie to be a young/similar age kind of guy, waiting by the side of the stage all night until we finish buying me drinks and carrying my guitar. Our deal:  We get 50+ year old men watching us from the back of a venue, (probably cumming with excitement in the corner) who then follow up their experience by sending us a friend request on Facebook.

 Now out of sheer friendliness, we add them, as they have shown an interest in our band which is always very flattering. Likes/comments start appearing on every single one of our pictures/posts present and past.
The restricted view comes in handy at this point.  It is a bit strange and very annoying when every notification you have has been sent through because the same person time and time again is doing the above. 
 They also start adding all your current friends so they can see what you are up to with others in case they miss an opportunity to see you in the flesh, again. 
We shortly receive creepy perve like messages or, questions asking us why they can no longer see our posts and photos. One message I received was from a 63 year old man and it stated " Hi girls, the weather is really hot. Are you by a pool and if so are you in your bikinis? mmm" 
I quickly blocked this prune balled fuck. 

We have had guys hiding in our dressing room just watching us. People taking multiple photo-shots of us in places we cannot even remember going and receiving a message " such and such has tagged you in 350 photos" 
Guys who come up to our personal space and brush across us "accidentally".
There have even been incidents of them turning up at family days out /personal events. 
Why would you do this? Do I want to know the answer? Probably not. 

Seriously, if you have subscribed to my posts and are not close family or friend then this is what we call #Stalkward. 
If you begin to like or comment on everyone of my posts, photos etc this is also #Stalkward. 

If you have been restricted or blocked, do not ask questions. You have been over personal in your behavior. 
This is something you cannot change about yourself and why would I want to give you the opportunity to explain why you have been creepy/weird? 

Loneliness is not an excuse, in fact it makes it even more pathetic and I do not accept this as a reason for you to justify making anyone feel uncomfortable. 

Over all my point being is male bands get fit birds. We get creepy old men who follow us around like they own us. We are not even fucking famous! 
I am not saying we feel like this about all the men who come to see us, just those who over step the mark. I am pretty sure they are fully aware of what they are doing and think they can get away with it by putting across their "wouldn't harm a fly" routine. 

We have some great fans and we're a more than happy to see 98% of those who turn up to see us at a gig. 

I will probably continue ranting about stalkers in another blog at some point in the near future. I feel I have not said enough about them as strange things continue to occur on such a regular basis. Birds who stalk male bands is also another topic but I will save that for another time. 

Rant soon

The Musical Prostitute